BLESSED with BIPOLAR

by Richard Jarzynka

I was not going to church much back in 1990, but I did consider myself a believer. I was not well-versed in scripture, so I wasn’t really solid on exactly what I believed, but I knew that Christ died on the Cross for my sins, saved me from the hell of bipolar, and was a really good guy who caused a lot of trouble and made people angry enough to kill Him.

At the same time, I was working as a psychotherapist in a Lutheran agency serving troubled (and troubling) adolescents and their families (also troubled and troubling). For some Godly reason, I ended up working closely with – and befriending – another psychotherapist who just happened to also be a Lutheran minister and chaplain to the agency for which we worked.

Eventually, I began to attend my buddy’s Sunday morning chapel services for the troubled (and troubling) adolescents. And on one Sunday I fatefully volunteered to recite one of the scripture readings – prior to taking a look at just what that particular scripture had to say. So, I got up to the pulpit and out came this:

“(Jesus) went to Nazareth, where He had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day He went into the synagogue, as was His custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. Unrolling it, He found the place where it is written: ‘The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to declare good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the captives and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.’ Then He rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down . . . (H)e began by saying to them, ‘Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.’ ” (Luke 4:16-20a,21b)

That shook me a bit. I had already been hospitalized twice. I had seen the hell of absolute despair. And I was bugged by the fact that I had volunteered to do that reading – and it turned out to be a passage of Jesus doing a reading about being anointed to bring good news to the poor and saying, “This scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” It felt strange. Like God was speaking to me.

I easily confess that I have bipolar – sometimes proudly, maybe too proudly. But there is one thing about my bipolar that I hesitate to mention because I know that it could make people think I am not merely bipolar but irreparably – and for all time – out of my friggin’ mind. During my first hospitalization in 1988 I was in such a state of despair, paranoia, and mental fracture that I came to believe that I had actually already died and gone to Hell. (I told you it was crazy) And it felt like hell, but it was just a taste of what I truly deserve – and I can never thank God enough for giving me just a taste of that agony. It turned me to Him and I survived.  It was in the midst of hell that I started reading scripture and began to ask,  “What if ?  .  .  .   What if this could be true . . . for me?” That could change everything.

So, when I randomly volunteered to do a supposedly random scripture reading that ended up saying, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me because he has anointed me to declare good news to the poor . . . to proclaim freedom for the captives . . .” it was only (super?)-natural for me to wonder, “What if? . . . What if this Word of God is talking straight to me?”

“Good news?” “Freedom” Why not me? I had been depressed beyond despair. I had seen a glimpse of hell  – and had been shown the way out. God – Jesus Christ – carried me out when I could barely feed myself, let alone fight my way out of hell. Why wouldn’t God call me – even anoint me – to declare that good news, those glad tidings, to despairing souls suffering their own hell? Had God been preparing me? I had been there. Seen the hell and survived. Even had a masters in psychology that I finished during my second tour of the psych ward. And I really was some sort of believer.

It knocked me over – the possibility that God could put such a call on my life. I wasn’t quite sure – after all, I do have bipolar. But that scripture stayed with me and God kept working.

19 years after I read in my buddy’s chapel service for troubled (and troubling) teenagers,  I finished my first book, “Blessed with Bipolar” and I asked one of the leaders in my church to write an endorsement for the back cover. Without any prompting or suggestion from me,  he wrote the following:

“This story will declare good news to the poor and proclaim freedom to the captives!”

As I looked over the scriptures for the  Catholic Mass on Holy Thursday (just last week), I found that the very same ‘good news to the poor’ passage was the day’s Gospel. The next day, Good Friday, I sat in church and asked the Holy Spirit to give me a scripture. And as I randomly opened a book of readings, He hit me smack in the chops:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to declare good news to the poor . . .”

I surrender, Lord. Twenty years down the road . . . my hell has become my ministry.

Richard Jarzynka,     author of  “Blessed with Bipolar“ follow on Facebook